Meeting Myles

It's hard to believe it's already been two weeks since I said goodbye to Myles and at the same time it's hard to believe that it's ONLY been two weeks.  Time is a weird thing. Silas did great here without me. He was well looked after by my parents and some friends. I got many kisses from him when I got back so I think he was glad to see me.

On April 9th my sister, Sara, and I got on a plane a flew to Bulgaria! Sara is pretty much the best travel companion. She never complains and is a huge help with everything. She really should rent herself out as a travel companion. In a platonic way of course. ;)

We arrived in Bulgaria at 6pm BG time on Sunday and then we had a nearly 3 hour drive to the hotel.

We had a bit of a sleep that night and then we left to meet Myles in the morning! I was full of nervous anticipation.

The orphanage was a 10 min drive from the hotel. It's in a tiny little village just outside the city.  The air was fresh, the sun was shining and the birds were singing. A very different location from Silas' orphanage in the big city!

First we had to meet with the director, the doctor, the social worker and a few other ladies whose titles I've forgotten.

They painted a bleak picture of my little man.

He's sick all the time.
He might not survive the flight.
He might need oxygen on the flight.
He may develop autism.
He's a fussy eater. Sometimes we have to prepare three different meals before he will eat.
His development is lagging in some areas even more now because they are so "focused" on his eating.
But we're not trying to scare you.

Uh huh. Sure.

It was a very confusing meeting to say the least. Most of what was said conflicted with what I read in his file. It actually says "The child is rarely sick." in his file so what was this nonsense about being sick all the time??

Half way through the meeting they brought Myles in. He sat limply in a nannies lap and didn't seem interested in his surroundings much. It was torture to sit there and have to concentrate on what the translator was telling me when I couldn't take my eyes off the beautiful little boy across the table.

Finally they let me hold him and took us to a little room with toys in it. There were 5 of us in the room for the visit. Me, Sara, the social worker, the translator and Myles.

Myles was so small and light. Just 11.5 lbs at 19 mths old. I tried to tickle him, he didn't react. He couldn't support his head.  He was quite cuddly though.

We had visits twice a day. Two hours in the morning and an hour in the afternoon.

As the week went by  he opened up more and more. He laughed and giggled when he was tickled. He gave me a big smile when I said his nickname, "Vanko".  And he was so ready to be loved. He just soaked it up!

I took his hand print and foot print on the second day.
 

On Wednesday they agreed to let me feed him. And that's when I figured out why he is so small.

Myles gets all his food from a bottle with an enlarged hole in the nipple.

The bottle they had prepared for him had 3-4 oz of food in it. He drank it so well and quickly! Hardly the behaviour of a fussy eater!

And then he cried. Oh it was sad. He wanted more food! The nanny was standing next to us, talking to the translator. I looked at her expecting that she would be going to get more food for Myles. Because that's what you do when a baby is hungry right?

Alas no, it quickly became apparent that there would be no more food coming and so I had to comfort my, literally starving, baby instead of giving him what he needed. It was the worst and hardest thing I've ever done. It went against everything that I believe and I wish I'd asked for more food right then. But I didn't and Myles went down for a nap still feeling hungry.

The next day on Thursday we were able to meet with the doctor alone with my list of questions.

When has he been sick?
He had pneumonia right before we came (and I knew about that) and he was sick when he was one month old with an infection.

Any other times?
No.

Has he ever needed oxygen?
Never.

Can we give him more food at each meal?
Sure.

Then we had our visit and it went well. When it was time for lunch they had prepared a bottle with a full 8 oz of food! Amazing! Myles drank it all down so quickly again. Too quickly really. He took in a lot of air. And then he still acted hungry. So I boldly asked for more food.

"All of that food has been served but we can prepare a bottle of 'mush' for him. How much should we make?"

I suggested another 3 or 4 oz would be good so they brought a bottle with what looked like watered down mashed potatoes in it. Myles drank that and seemed much more satisfied. I gave him a really good burping and kept him upright for as long as I could until it was time to go.

The nannies were sure he was going to throw up but he didn't!

While I was feeding Myles that day I kept an eye on the clock as the nannies were feeding the other kids. About a dozen kids for (I think) four workers. They had the kids fed and back into their cribs or beds in 15 mins! It was slightly chaotic because the kids were all wailing and crying for more food and attention.  And so rushed. I don't understand why it has to be so rushed! Surely there is time in the day for a more relaxed 1:1 meal or 2:1.  Ugh. Orphanages are not good for kids.

By the end of the week it was pretty clear what was going on at that first meeting with the director. Bulgaria is being pressured to close down orphanages and move the kids into foster care. This will obviously put the workers at the orphanage out of work.  The director felt like her job was secure because there will still be kids with higher needs, like Myles, who will not go into foster care. And then here I come along wanting to take one of those kids. She was surprised and kind of freaked out a little. This is the opinion of the social worker who has had a lot of experience with this director. So that explains the over exaggeration of Myles' situation and health.

Then came Friday. the dreaded good bye day. Myles had a bit of constipation and he wasn't happy. He did manage to fall asleep in my arms and I was so tired too so I just laid back on the couch with him on my chest and we had a little rest together. It was probably the most boring moment for everyone else in the room but it was my favourite moment!

I tried to imprint the memory on my brain. The weight of him on my chest, his scent, his beautiful soft skin and hair and his gentle breath.  In two weeks the memories are already fading so I'm thankful for all the pictures and video we got.

And then far too soon it was time to say goodbye. I cried, Sara cried and Myles cried. It sucked and that's all I want to say about that.

They allowed us to leave this blanket with him and also a build-a-bear with my voice in it.

My response to anyone who asks how the trip was is, "It was good...and hard...and good."  The pastor of my bible study group asked what my #1 prayer request is regarding the adoption and I told him I couldn't narrow it down to one. No way.

But here is the list I gave him,
1.) That Myles would stay healthy and still be alive when I come to get him.
2.) That I would be able to keep it together until I go back. There's a lot to do that will keep me busy thankfully.
3.) That more people would adopt. That Christians would stop being afraid of the cost and what they might be faced with when parenting an adopted child who has had trauma.

I posted this on facebook after a particularly emotional visit and many people told them it made them cry and broke their hearts. Perhaps it will speak to you too.

"If you've at all felt the tug to adopt a child could you please just do it. There is no perfect time. Quit waiting.
This has been an amazing week and at the orphanage we have seen many children who are in the process of adoption and some who aren't. Some look healthy and some hardly leave their rooms.
There is one girl who is the oldest child there. She's about 5 and I've only ever seen her in with the babies. She doesn't seem to have any special needs so I have no idea why she doesn't have a family.
Several times now she has been in the room when we've come to get Myles. She smiles so charmingly at Sara and our translator. When her eyes reach me and I'm holding Myles something changes. It's like a mixture of jealousy and sadness and it just hits me in the gut each time. She longs for a mother and she deserves one! No child should be without parents to love them.
Today she was admiring the blanket I left for Myles. The nanny said His Mama made it for him.
She replied that it smells nice.
There are so many kids that need families. If only I could bring you here so you could see for yourself.
As the weeks went by and I got closer to meeting Myles I began to wonder if I was ready to add a second child to my family. After meeting Myles I am 100% sure that I am doing the right thing. This isn't about me and my comfort level. Myles needs me to be ready. And boy am I ready to be his mama!"

Thank you to everyone who prayed for me and for all those who have supported me with donations. There is still a little bit to raise to get this done. Under $3000 now which is less than 10% of the total! I'm amazed at how this has all come together. Blown away, really! God has been good!

And on Thursday I was able to mail off the last two documents needed for court. A June court date would be lovely. May would be better but let's not get carried away. lol

This is all you get to see of him until he's legally mine!
 

So to finish it off I've got boxes and boxes of stuff to auction off. All of it is amazing and was donated by some of the world's awesomest orphan advocates! I can't wait to get things kicked off for a week of furious bidding starting on Monday May 2nd and ending on May 9th.

click the picture to go to the auction
 

 


Because every post needs some Silas here's a picture collage of Silas swinging over the last two years.

He's Still Silas

Yesterday Silas and I traveled through a snow storm (because medical appointments are always on snow stormy days!) to be seen by a developmental pediatrician.  We have waited a long time for this appointment so I wasn't going to let some snow stop me.

I have long suspected Silas has more than Down syndrome affecting him. Before I started the adoption process I found out that there is a higher incidence of autism in people with Ds than there is in typical children. So I knew it was a possibility but I sure didn't want to raise a kid with autism. I wanted a kid with "just Down syndrome".

It turns out God had a different idea and he gave me Silas.

And it turns out Silas is on the autism spectrum.

So now we officially start our journey of dual diagnosis....but really we've been living it all along.  Silas is still the same awesome little boy who loves to jump and be tickled. Who knows how to tell me what he wants without words.  Yesterday he carried a two liter jug of juice with a handle in one hand and his cup in the other and he brought them to me. He is strong and determined!

He is an excellent problem solver. He can match shapes and colours and do wooden puzzles. He can undress himself and helps with dressing. He is learning to hug his friends.

So he's still Silas and now we have another piece of the puzzle and we can come up with better ways to help him learn. It feels good to know that I was right!

Getting ready to swim! His favourite activity!

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Mr. Myles

I leave my house in two sleeps to make the long journey to Bulgaria to visit with Myles. I'm concerned about why he is so small and how that will make life here change. It could be he's just underfed like Silas was (though he's much smaller than Silas was at the same age). It could be reflux or aspiration. He could need a gtube to put food directly into his stomach. Hopefully I'll find out more in just a few days!

I do have one important prayer request though. Today I heard from the agency in Bulgaria that the director of the orphanage says that Myles had/has pneumonia and that he has not fully recovered yet but that she will allow the visits to happen still. It breaks my heart to know that he is sick and I'm not there yet. Soon my little man, soon!

The day has come!

It was nice and melty and puddly here on Sunday so I dressed Silas up in puddle gear and we went for a walk in the park. 

 

 He enjoyed walking in the puddles and checked everything out as we walked.

Even this lamp post got a good examination.

It was such a nice relaxing and bonding time with just mommy and Silas.

Little did I know that life would get really interesting, really fast once we got home!

I was bringing in all the muddy gear and as I opened the door I heard a voice leaving a message on the answering machine. At first I didn't pay much attention to it but after a few seconds my brain kicked in and I realized it was the director of the adoption agency.

I rushed to the phone and picked it up as quickly as I could!

It turns out that I have finally been matched with a little boy in Bulgaria!

And when I say little, I mean really little. 11 lbs at his last measurement in late January when he was 16 mths old. 

I got a picture of him on Tuesday and I can't stop looking at it. He's so cute! I'd love to post the picture but that's not allowed. Boo hoo. :(

I've had a cardiologist look at the file and she believes that his heart surgery at 5 mths old was a good repair and he'll just need yearly follow ups for now.

So now I'm just waiting on travel dates so that I can go and see him. Hopefully early April.  So what at times felt like something that was never going to happen, has happened!

Before I got the referral I had accumulated a long list of possible names. There was one favourite but I wanted to wait to see what he looked like before I decided for sure. As it turns out from what I can see in the ONE picture I got he looks like a Myles, which was my #1 pick. 

So Silas Petar will become a big brother this year to Myles Ivan! I'm excited for them to meet!

The director asked me how I had been managing the "long" 5 mths wait since I was submitted. I said I knew God had a particular boy for me and I trusted that when the time was right I would receive the referral. As much as I wanted to find out who he was months ago I knew God was in control and there's no point in arguing with God to convince Him to speed things up!  She thought that was a pretty good attitude to have.

But of course the waiting isn't done. Right now I'm email stalking to get travel dates. Then I'll be waiting for the day to arrive when I can travel. Then I'll be waiting for a court date and then I'll be waiting for more travel dates to bring him home.

I will do my best to not waste my life while waiting. Though I must say I'm doing a terrible job of that this week so far. Ack! My mind is having a very hard time focusing on tasks. I can't imagine why. ;)

A Non-Update

If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me if I've heard from Bulgaria in the last two weeks I'd have at least $20. lol

Believe me, I'm just as anxious as you are for some sort of update, but I haven't heard anything yet. It could be tomorrow that I find out who my son is or it could be months from now. It's just a matter of the right file coming up that matches my homestudy.

When I finally do hear something everyone will hear about it!

In the meantime we can keep on praying for my yet to be revealed son. Pray for his health and comfort. And for his physical growth and cognitive development. Pray that he gets taken out of his crib and is able to explore. And of course pray that we get matched soon!

I'm finding this wait to be a little easier than the wait was for Silas. I think that's mostly because I was so eagerly waiting to "become a mother".  And now I am a mother to a very busy boy so there is little time to sit and pine.

And speaking of that busy boy he did the funniest thing today. Every Tuesday and Thursday a Child Development Worker comes to the house to work with Silas. He really looks forward to her visits. Today she had him sitting at the table playing with playdough. She was leaning over top of him and he twisted his head to look up at her with a big grin on his face and it put him in such a funny looking position that we laughed.  He realized that he was being silly and he kept twisting his head/neck like that again and again making us laugh and laugh. Finally we just had to stop our laughter so that he would get back to working. lol I wish I'd caught it on video. That's the first time I can remember him intentionally doing something silly to make other people laugh. Or at least the first time it was so obvious that he was trying to make us laugh. He is often a silly boy but it mostly seems like he's just being silly for his own entertainment.

And the fact that he was looking at the CDW's face is a big deal too. I've seen a huge improvement is his eye contact the last couple weeks. It's still very fleeting but it's improving!

Silas is still enjoying going to the pool about once a week. With his new floaty "puddle jumper" he can now move through the water on his own now just like a big boy. He gets better at it every time we go. I love that I can take him in the deep end and swim around him and be a little more hands off.  One day he'll be doing laps with the Special Olympics swim team!

So that's what we've been up to. Keeping busy and patiently waiting! And praying we hear news soon! Tomorrow would be great! ;o)

The hard and the good

Well folks, no word yet on who my next son will be. Bulgaria may have matched me and I just haven't heard yet or perhaps I'll have to wait until after Christmas to find out.

Not knowing is hard and waiting is getting old. These last two days were very hard and there have been a few tears shed that's for sure. But I will continue trusting God and having faith that the right son will find me!

In the mean time I've decided to drown my tears in iced tea and Subway. haha Silas and I went out and picked up some subs for supper. I got my usual tuna with bacon and he got the chicken breast one. I loaded them both up with veggies because it was time for Silas to eat raw veggies!!

When I got him 583 days ago (wow!!) I was told not to feed him solids because he can't chew. I threw that advice out the window and since then we've been on a journey towards Silas being able to eat every day regular foods.  He's now enjoying almost every type of food (not even pureed anymore!) with the exception of raw fruits and veggies and baked goods that are sweet. Oh and he has trouble with some meat if it has to be chewed a lot.

Well tonight he ate cucumbers, tomatoes, green pepper and lettuce!! I do believe we're not too far from him being able to sit down and eat a nice salad. It has been so encouraging to see him make progress in this area. The sound of him crunching down on the green pepper was music to my ears tonight.

Yesterday's highlight was going to the pool in the evening. We hadn't been there in ages because the hot tub wasn't open and Silas really needs the hot tub to warm up in. Yesterday the pool announced that the hot tub was working again so off to the pool we went! Silas had a blast and was so well behaved.

He learned to jump off the various benches in the pool into my arms! Jumping is one of his therapy goals. And by the end he was actually pushing off when he jumped and not just leaning towards my arms.  I also came up with a little game that he liked, to teach him "Wait".  I stood him on the bench in the hot tub and took a couple steps back. I held up one finger and said "Wait.....wait....wait.....GO!" And when I said go he could jump.  He caught on really fast and it was so much fun.

A very happy boy after his swim

 

Part of the reason he was so well behaved at the pool was because he was well rested thanks to a late nap that he gave himself. He was playing in the basement and I realized it was pretty quiet down there. So I checked on him and found him sound asleep on the floor.  It was pretty sweet. It felt like a bit of a milestone because he usually has to be in bed in order to fall asleep.

The other reason he was so well behaved is because he really loves the pool! I took a video of his reaction when I took the pool bag down. I have to keep it on a hook on the back of my door or he is constantly bringing it to me and putting it in my lap. lol

So the last two days have been full of joy mixed in with the disappointment of not hearing any news.  Whenever Silas meets a milestone I think of all of you who donated and prayed. Without you Silas would be a very different boy. I think I can paint a fairly accurate picture of what his life would be like today had he not been given a family.

When I got him at almost three years of age he was not sitting independently, not walking, not drinking, eating only purees (no lumps even), stimming constantly, he had scars and scabs from self harming and he was very underweight.

I recently learned that the remaining children from his orphanage, which was a temporary set up, were either moved to foster care or to another orphanage in a different town. This particular orphanage is becoming well known for having crib babies that weigh 10 lbs at 5 yrs old or older. They are not doing a great job obviously!

Silas would have been transferred to that orphanage and he would have been a crib baby because there's no way he would have been walking yet if he was still in an institutional setting.  In three years they couldn't even convince him that sitting up was a good idea. That's the sort of thing you need a family for.

He never would have gotten the surgery to put tubes in his ears that has improved his development so much these last few months. So he likely would have still been clawing at his fluid filled ears and wearing socks on his hands. He would have continued to be dehydrated because dehydrated kids use less diapers.

He would have likely still been only eating purees. He would be inches shorter and pounds lighter than he is now.

He certainly wouldn't be starting Kindergarten next fall!

He wouldn't know that he can have an opinion on things and make choices.

I don't say all this to bash Bulgarians. (They are a wonderful bunch of people but there are a few who need to be educated on what to expect a child with special needs to be able to do.)  

I say this so that you can know that if you donated to help get Silas home you can feel a sense of satisfaction that your dollars made a difference, a HUGE, possibly life saving difference, in one little boy's life. A life with a family is a million times better! And you made that possible whether you gave $2 or $2000, you played a role, so pat yourself on the back, you world changer, you. We love you!

Thinking Thoughts

What a month November has been! We have endured the stomach flu twice, Silas went on antibiotics for an infection, I did another auction, we went to the city twice and I had a birthday. 

No news yet on who my next little boy will be but I hope to hear something very soon. It could be any day at this point!

The auction was very successful and raised over $3100!  When combined with the sales of Brent Keno's awesome signs of $440 I am now down to needing less than $10000! It feels so good to be down to four digits. With a few more commissioned projects to finish up in the next couple weeks and the sale of these 5 felt trees I made, that will put me under $9000. Ahhhhh We're getting closer!

I only have ONE more of these custom made felt trees. They are made for small children to decorate and undecorated as they please. All the embellishments have been sewn on securely! The cost is $50 + $5 shipping and once this last one is sold then that's it for trees! I won't have time before Christmas to make any more.

 

 

All this wonderful support has got me thinking thoughts. Thoughts about how important you are to me. About how this would be so much more difficult without you. About how loved and encouraged I'm feeling. About how important it is to me that I am surrounded by people who understand or are trying to understand how to God wants us to love orphans in all sort of different ways.

 

And I just want to say thank you! And not in a light hearted "Hey Thanks" way, but in a deep, sincere and honest way. Sometimes thank you doesn't seem like enough to me. I'm sure if I was more eloquent I could come up with some other phrase to convey how much I appreciate all your help. But this is probably as good as it will get.  So thank you for being my "community" of friends and family. I hope you feel like your donations are going to a worthy cause in helping an orphan become a SON! It is SO worth it and this journey is made so much easier with you coming along side me and supporting me. :)

 

I hope I can share some exciting news about a referral very soon!

 

 

 

I've Been Submitted!

October 26th is turning out to be a pretty fantastic day. Not only is it my nephews 7th birthday but today I also found out that my dossier has been submitted to the Minister of Justice!  

 

My nephew

So what does that mean you ask?  Well, basically it means that my dossier is out of the hands of my agency and is being prepared to be matched with a child. It's a pretty HUGE step that gets me even closer to my boy. My heart leaped when I read the email this afternoon!

 

I was hoping to travel for the first trip yet this year but it's not looking too great for that. But that's okay! It'll all happen in God's time and that will give me a bit more time to raise the remaining less than $14000!   My expenses for this month were low and my income was higher so I was able to add a great amount of my paycheck to my savings and that gave the thermometer another boost last Friday. 

 

I know you all were expecting my auction to start today. It's going to be a fantastic auction but it won't happen for a couple more weeks.

 

Instead, for two weeks, I'll be doing an Uppercase Living fundraiser! Jensen Bardwell is the consultant and she's donating all 30-35% of her commission towards the adoption!

 

How cute is that Alphagator??! Just click on the picture and that should take you to the website where you can place your order. You'll need to let me know if you ordered so that I can tell Jensen to add your order to the calculations at the end of the fundraiser. There are SO many decals, you may have a hard time narrowing it down! This fundraiser will end on November 9th.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The auction will still happen and I'm still accepting donations if you'd like to help out with auction items. I've got some great stuff in it that you won't want to miss! I'm thinking it will start on November 12th. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And lastly Jamberry! There is still time to place an order. It will end on Wednesday. We had a glitchy weekend thanks to facebook being silly but the website is back up and running now so you can check out the catalogue online here:

 

 

If you want free shipping just message me on facebook with your order or email me at cwspider at mymts.net

 

 I do believe with the news I got today I've officially entered the second trimester of this "paper pregnancy" !