It's hard to believe it's already been two weeks since I said goodbye to Myles and at the same time it's hard to believe that it's ONLY been two weeks. Time is a weird thing. Silas did great here without me. He was well looked after by my parents and some friends. I got many kisses from him when I got back so I think he was glad to see me.
On April 9th my sister, Sara, and I got on a plane a flew to Bulgaria! Sara is pretty much the best travel companion. She never complains and is a huge help with everything. She really should rent herself out as a travel companion. In a platonic way of course. ;)
We arrived in Bulgaria at 6pm BG time on Sunday and then we had a nearly 3 hour drive to the hotel.
We had a bit of a sleep that night and then we left to meet Myles in the morning! I was full of nervous anticipation.
The orphanage was a 10 min drive from the hotel. It's in a tiny little village just outside the city. The air was fresh, the sun was shining and the birds were singing. A very different location from Silas' orphanage in the big city!
First we had to meet with the director, the doctor, the social worker and a few other ladies whose titles I've forgotten.
They painted a bleak picture of my little man.
He's sick all the time.
He might not survive the flight.
He might need oxygen on the flight.
He may develop autism.
He's a fussy eater. Sometimes we have to prepare three different meals before he will eat.
His development is lagging in some areas even more now because they are so "focused" on his eating.
But we're not trying to scare you.
Uh huh. Sure.
It was a very confusing meeting to say the least. Most of what was said conflicted with what I read in his file. It actually says "The child is rarely sick." in his file so what was this nonsense about being sick all the time??
Half way through the meeting they brought Myles in. He sat limply in a nannies lap and didn't seem interested in his surroundings much. It was torture to sit there and have to concentrate on what the translator was telling me when I couldn't take my eyes off the beautiful little boy across the table.
Finally they let me hold him and took us to a little room with toys in it. There were 5 of us in the room for the visit. Me, Sara, the social worker, the translator and Myles.
Myles was so small and light. Just 11.5 lbs at 19 mths old. I tried to tickle him, he didn't react. He couldn't support his head. He was quite cuddly though.
We had visits twice a day. Two hours in the morning and an hour in the afternoon.
As the week went by he opened up more and more. He laughed and giggled when he was tickled. He gave me a big smile when I said his nickname, "Vanko". And he was so ready to be loved. He just soaked it up!
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I took his hand print and foot print on the second day.
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On Wednesday they agreed to let me feed him. And that's when I figured out why he is so small.
Myles gets all his food from a bottle with an enlarged hole in the nipple.
The bottle they had prepared for him had 3-4 oz of food in it. He drank it so well and quickly! Hardly the behaviour of a fussy eater!
And then he cried. Oh it was sad. He wanted more food! The nanny was standing next to us, talking to the translator. I looked at her expecting that she would be going to get more food for Myles. Because that's what you do when a baby is hungry right?
Alas no, it quickly became apparent that there would be no more food coming and so I had to comfort my, literally starving, baby instead of giving him what he needed. It was the worst and hardest thing I've ever done. It went against everything that I believe and I wish I'd asked for more food right then. But I didn't and Myles went down for a nap still feeling hungry.
The next day on Thursday we were able to meet with the doctor alone with my list of questions.
When has he been sick?
He had pneumonia right before we came (and I knew about that) and he was sick when he was one month old with an infection.
Any other times?
No.
Has he ever needed oxygen?
Never.
Can we give him more food at each meal?
Sure.
Then we had our visit and it went well. When it was time for lunch they had prepared a bottle with a full 8 oz of food! Amazing! Myles drank it all down so quickly again. Too quickly really. He took in a lot of air. And then he still acted hungry. So I boldly asked for more food.
"All of that food has been served but we can prepare a bottle of 'mush' for him. How much should we make?"
I suggested another 3 or 4 oz would be good so they brought a bottle with what looked like watered down mashed potatoes in it. Myles drank that and seemed much more satisfied. I gave him a really good burping and kept him upright for as long as I could until it was time to go.
The nannies were sure he was going to throw up but he didn't!
While I was feeding Myles that day I kept an eye on the clock as the nannies were feeding the other kids. About a dozen kids for (I think) four workers. They had the kids fed and back into their cribs or beds in 15 mins! It was slightly chaotic because the kids were all wailing and crying for more food and attention. And so rushed. I don't understand why it has to be so rushed! Surely there is time in the day for a more relaxed 1:1 meal or 2:1. Ugh. Orphanages are not good for kids.
By the end of the week it was pretty clear what was going on at that first meeting with the director. Bulgaria is being pressured to close down orphanages and move the kids into foster care. This will obviously put the workers at the orphanage out of work. The director felt like her job was secure because there will still be kids with higher needs, like Myles, who will not go into foster care. And then here I come along wanting to take one of those kids. She was surprised and kind of freaked out a little. This is the opinion of the social worker who has had a lot of experience with this director. So that explains the over exaggeration of Myles' situation and health.
Then came Friday. the dreaded good bye day. Myles had a bit of constipation and he wasn't happy. He did manage to fall asleep in my arms and I was so tired too so I just laid back on the couch with him on my chest and we had a little rest together. It was probably the most boring moment for everyone else in the room but it was my favourite moment!
I tried to imprint the memory on my brain. The weight of him on my chest, his scent, his beautiful soft skin and hair and his gentle breath. In two weeks the memories are already fading so I'm thankful for all the pictures and video we got.
And then far too soon it was time to say goodbye. I cried, Sara cried and Myles cried. It sucked and that's all I want to say about that.
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| They allowed us to leave this blanket with him and also a build-a-bear with my voice in it. |
My response to anyone who asks how the trip was is, "It was good...and hard...and good." The pastor of my bible study group asked what my #1 prayer request is regarding the adoption and I told him I couldn't narrow it down to one. No way.
But here is the list I gave him,
1.) That Myles would stay healthy and still be alive when I come to get him.
2.) That I would be able to keep it together until I go back. There's a lot to do that will keep me busy thankfully.
3.) That more people would adopt. That Christians would stop being afraid of the cost and what they might be faced with when parenting an adopted child who has had trauma.
I posted this on facebook after a particularly emotional visit and many people told them it made them cry and broke their hearts. Perhaps it will speak to you too.
"If you've at all felt the tug to adopt a child could you please just do it. There is no perfect time. Quit waiting.
This has been an amazing week and at the orphanage we have seen many children who are in the process of adoption and some who aren't. Some look healthy and some hardly leave their rooms.
There is one girl who is the oldest child there. She's about 5 and I've only ever seen her in with the babies. She doesn't seem to have any special needs so I have no idea why she doesn't have a family.
Several times now she has been in the room when we've come to get Myles. She smiles so charmingly at Sara and our translator. When her eyes reach me and I'm holding Myles something changes. It's like a mixture of jealousy and sadness and it just hits me in the gut each time. She longs for a mother and she deserves one! No child should be without parents to love them.
Today she was admiring the blanket I left for Myles. The nanny said His Mama made it for him.
She replied that it smells nice.
There are so many kids that need families. If only I could bring you here so you could see for yourself.
As the weeks went by and I got closer to meeting Myles I began to wonder if I was ready to add a second child to my family. After meeting Myles I am 100% sure that I am doing the right thing. This isn't about me and my comfort level. Myles needs me to be ready. And boy am I ready to be his mama!"
Thank you to everyone who prayed for me and for all those who have supported me with donations. There is still a little bit to raise to get this done. Under $3000 now which is less than 10% of the total! I'm amazed at how this has all come together. Blown away, really! God has been good!
And on Thursday I was able to mail off the last two documents needed for court. A June court date would be lovely. May would be better but let's not get carried away. lol
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This is all you get to see of him until he's legally mine!
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So to finish it off I've got boxes and boxes of stuff to auction off. All of it is amazing and was donated by some of the world's awesomest orphan advocates! I can't wait to get things kicked off for a week of furious bidding starting on Monday May 2nd and ending on May 9th.
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click the picture to go to the auction
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| Because every post needs some Silas here's a picture collage of Silas swinging over the last two years. |
